What’s there to write about when you’re sad?

It’s been a week since I said goodbye to Berkely. I took a weekend road trip to escape, but felt sad when I came home to an empty house. As I was journaling this morning, I found myself stuck and not really knowing where to begin. I didn’t want to keep thinking about the sadness in the loss, so I started to think about my January highlights instead.

It was weird at first, because I’m still in some stage of grief. But as I thought about specific moments from the last 31 days that made me smile, I reali

It was weird at first because I’m still in some stage of grief. But as I wrote out specific moments from the last 31 days, I found myself grateful. Despite January being the month I experienced such horrible heartbreak, I realized I had more good days than bad.

January core memory moments:

• New Year’s Day bingo with my Filipino family in Jacksonville (I still can’t believe I didn’t win a single round. Thanks to my Grandma for spotting me almost every buy-in)
• Catching both sunrise and sunset with my Fiancé in Key West, where we camped by the ocean and indulged in oysters, conch fritters, and piña coladas
• Spending time with my good friend Hope, who I haven’t seen since we taught English in France 2 years ago
• Day drinking at Disney Springs with my best friend Lindsey and building Lego versions of ourselves
• Celebrating my friend Amy’s baby-to-be. A lovely juxtaposition to the anticipatory grief I felt for Berkely.
• A sisters road trip to Chattanooga (Da Noog) where we gave the karaoke performance of a lifetime before dancing all night at a Taylor Swift dance party
• Cave exploring at Ruby Falls with my Cheetah Sisters (highly recommended)
• Throwing the best last weekend hoorah for Berkely with friends and family from 4 states visiting him. That dog hadn’t smiled like that in so long, and I’m so thankful he was surrounded by such love before he passed.

There are so many other moments, people, and accomplishments that made me smile and celebrate throughout the month. January was full of so many more good days than bad for both me and Berkely. Unfortunately, negative bias in our human brains makes it harder to forget the bad and focus on the good.

But I think about Berkely during his last weekend. He embraced every single day with his loved ones even though I’m sure he knew what was coming. He didn’t whine as much. He mustered up the strength to move around more than he had in the last month. He fell asleep with a smile on his face. He fully lived in those moments of joy and love, and nothing could take his attention away from it all.

That’s the best gift he could have left me with, a last lesson on being present in those instances of joyful moments where love shines brightest. Even if grief is around the corner, at least for the moment we can experience joy.

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For my birthday last November, I was meditating and contemplating on a theme I wanted to embrace for my 33rd year. The wish that struck me most was “more joy.”

I felt such deep pain in January, but I was also surrounded by so much joy. It’s my goal to focus on that more.

One month down, 11 more to go.